Finally…a song about me! Check out this hilarious video.

 

White Makes Right

My new favorite music genre in this time of horrible music is rap spoofs usually by white rappers. There is just nothing funnier than white guys rapping about the suburbs or the trailer park versus rapping about the hood. The group Lonely Island may be the best known representatives of this emerging genre but there is no shortage of talent hoping to break onto the scene.  When videos are added to these little ditties, they are solid gold.  To commemorate my new found love, I am adding a section just for rap spoofs.

Not So Kosher Weiner

In the fallout of what has now been dubbed Weinergate, Congressman Anthony Weiner is facing a growing call by his own party to step down.  In case you have been under a rock, some tweets were leaked of Rep. Weiner and…well…his wiener. These photos of Weiner varied in explicitness.  From one that showed him shirtless, pectorals flexed, to another that showed that his politics are not the only things leaning left.  At first, the Congressman stated that he could not with any “certitude” tell if the penis, clad in grey boxer briefs, was in fact his.  He went on to say that if the photo was of his penis,  then it was sent by someone who hacked into his computer.  On June 6th, Weiner came clean and in a tearful press conference stated that the photos are of his penis and that he had sent the photos to single mother, Meagan Broussard.  He also admitted to having virtual rendezvous with other women. Why would a man as seemingly intelligent as Weiner do something so dumb?  As we have seen before, hubris and ego override common sense with many politicians.  Weiner asserted that he would not step down and, at first Democrats were mum.

Today, unfortunately for the Congressman,  Weinergate exploded with an avalanche of information.  Another woman, Lisa Weiss, a blackjack dealer from Las Vegas, published over 200 text message exchanges between Weiner and herself.  Also, a photo of Weiner’s naked penis was tweeted by radio hosts Opie and Anthony after Andrew Breitbart, the conservative blogger who broke the story, showed it to them on his cellphone during a broadcast.

On top of that, Democrats are no longer keeping quiet and are coming forward to ask for his resignation.  “In light of Anthony Weiner’s offensive behavior online, he should resign,” Pennsylvania Rep. Allyson Schwartz, a member of the party campaign committee’s leadership, said in a statement.  Minority House leader, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, has called for an investigation by the ethics committee to find out if any House rules were violated.

And in the Mother of all news, multiple anonymous sources have come forward to say that Huma Abedin, Weiner’s wife and  deputy chief of staff to Sec. Hillary Clinton, is pregnant with their first child.

If Weiner has a chance to salvage his position, the pregnancy card just might do the trick.  The American public has a soft spot for babies and while Huma was not at his side for his apologetic press conference, sources say that she is going to stick it out with Weiner.  Many men before him have cheated, atoned, and gone on to do great things.  Much like the kosher wiener brand, Hebrew National, this Jewish dog will have to answer to a higher authority.

Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me!

I remember in the early 1990’s when complaining about violence in the media was de rigueur.  Arnold Schwarzenegger was The Terminator in T2: Judgement Day, kicking ass  as a cyborg on a motorcycle while schlepping a shot gun and an effeminate Eddie Furlong around Los Angeles. In Misery, Kathy Bates gave new meaning to hobbling and decreased the chubby chasing population simultaneously.  And in one of the most mentally thrilling movies of all time, we learned that a skin suit is not only fashion forward, but a money pit.  Who can afford that much Jergen’s?  “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” Creeeeepy!  News media offered unending coverage of violent acts.  Tonya Harding was telling her opponent to break a leg, Amy Fisher shot to infamy with one bullet, and Rodney King, well, you know the story.

These days, we have a fresh, new medium in which we receive our violence: reality television.  There is a reality television show on virtually every channel ranging from cooking competitions to globe-trotting missions. The shows that are gaining in popularity are the ones that are increasingly showing violence as a staple.  Two of the most popular franchises in the Real Housewives universe are The Real Housewives of Atlanta and the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  In Atlanta, wig pulling, name-calling, and boo-checking are the name of the game, while in New Jersey, one better hope for a table flip over a mob hit ( I am just kidding Caroline!) Despite these women being in their 30’s and 40’s, we love to see them fighting like pre-teens over a lock of Justin Bieber’s pubes.  They backstab, talk crap, and point fingers, all while wearing $700 shoes and bad hair.

The catalysts for these fights are some of the pettiest reasons ever recorded.  This season on The Real Housewives of New York, Jill Zarin has a verbal diarrhea-esque squirting about Alex McCord’s and Ramona Singer’s inappropriate donning of white to a wedding.   Psst *whispering* Apparently it’s disrespectful to wear cream or white to a wedding, but not so much to tell the producer off camera that Alex was attending a wedding that was “beneath”  her.  I see a reunion of tears and freckly, heaving boobs in the near future.  So if verbal and physical assault are so prevalent in our “reality” shows, why should we be surprised when petty aggression pops up in our actual reality?

Back in February, the web and YouTube.com were all aflutter over a story of one woman’s quest to obtain some syrup for her pancakes while attending the classy, yet understated establishment called Denny’s.  When one woman kindly asked another if she may procure some of her syrup, the woman in possession ofthe syrup simply replied, “Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me.”  From there, an ugly fist fight started and there within lies the dichotomy of America: a willingness to critique the etiquette of others and a willingness to physically harm someone over the ooey-gooey goodness of non-Vermont, non-maple syrup.  Violence never tasted so sweet.

“Crying It Out” leads to all things evil

So I recently went on the hunt to find out how to help my baby fall asleep without hours of tiresome rocking.  Since getting pregnant, I had heard of letting your baby “cry it out” or CIO as it is often called.  From my understanding this meant putting a baby down in its bed and saying “see ya in the morning” no matter how much it cried.  When I became a mother and did the research myself, I found that the Ferber method unfortunately and erroneously gets the CIO title attached.  For those who don’t know, the Ferber method teaches that a baby must learn to self soothe itself to sleep without mommy nursing or rocking him/her to sleep. The method says to put baby down in their sleeping area and in a predetermined time, a parent will check on the baby if the baby is still crying, a parent will tend to the child to offer reassurance and to reassure themselves  that the child is indeed ok. The predetermined time increases twice by two minutes each check in, with subsequent check-ins equaling the last time.  Confusing?  Let’s say  the predetermined time is 3 minutes.  You would put baby down and if  he/she is crying after 3 minutes, you go in to their room, talk to the child, pat its back and not return for 5 minutes. The third and subsequent check-ins are 7 minutes apart.  Not too bad if you ask me but I know a lot of parents think that this cruel and unnatural.  That’s understandable. 

But I ran across a website that was ridiculous, unbelievable, and pretty hilarious. This website claims that allowing your child to cry in order to train him/her to sleep leads to obesity, eating disorders, self-mutilation,  self-loathing, co-dependency and my favorite…pedophilia.  As if that priest touching your naughty bits had nothing to do with it. Of course there was a short synopsis of the person’s life that created the site and how CIO led to the total and utter destruction of his life.  Divorce, loss of jobs, and incarcerated relatives.  Sounds like CIO should be made into a country song.  I am a huge proponent of searching for the reasons why we are who we are but…COME ON! I don’t think mommy allowing you to cry for a few minutes when you were 9 mos. old led to your dismal existence.  Maybe it was when she chained you to the back of the closet only to be fed once a week by your “uncle” who wanted more than a thank you that led to your eating disorder/co-dependency/pedophilic tendencies.